Hygiene jokes

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look pretty flushed.

My anus smells.

Your mama's so fat when she sat on the toilet, the toilet said, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, get your fat ass off of me!"

Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.

When the people that see you cry, that doesn't mean they miss you. That mean they scared of your onion breath! 🐑💨

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock?

She started her period.

Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?

He grew up a Florida Man, after all.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

What do you call it when a girl on her period goes swimming?

A blood bath.

You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.

What’s white and sticky and better to spit out than to swallow? Toothpaste.

What's at least 6 inches long and goes in your mouth, and it's more fun if it vibrates?

A toothbrush.

What is six inches, goes in your mouth, and it's fun when it vibrates? A toothbrush.

You're so skinny, you use chapstick as deodorant.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: He wiped his ass.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

Little Johnny walked into an ice cream shop and asked: "Do you have chocolate filled ice cream?"

The man replies: "We are out of that, sorry, we are almost out of every single flavor, do you want me to get you a vanilla filled one?"

Johnny replies: "Sure."

After that, the man asks for Johnny's phone and goes to back of the store. 5 minutes later, the man comes with an ice cream and Johnny's phone.

Johnny asks: "How much for the ice cream?"

The man replies: "Nothing, it's on the house."

After Johnny ate his delicious ice cream, he searched for his watch history. And then Johnny realized the flavor of the ice cream.

How do you know your Dad's been fucking your sister?

His dick tastes funny...

At least if you're fat you don't need to put as much bathwater in the bath.