Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look pretty flushed.
Your mama's so fat when she sat on the toilet, the toilet said, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, get your fat ass off of me!"
What do you call a suicide bomber under the water?
A bath bomb.
When the people that see you cry, that doesn't mean they miss you. That mean they scared of your onion breath! 🐑💨
Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock?
She started her period.
Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?
He grew up a Florida Man, after all.
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
What do you call it when a girl on her period goes swimming?
A blood bath.
What's at least 6 inches long and goes in your mouth, and it's more fun if it vibrates?
A toothbrush.
What is six inches, goes in your mouth, and it's fun when it vibrates? A toothbrush.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his ass.
What’s white and sticky and better to spit out than to swallow? Toothpaste.
Little Johnny walked into an ice cream shop and asked: "Do you have chocolate filled ice cream?"
The man replies: "We are out of that, sorry, we are almost out of every single flavor, do you want me to get you a vanilla filled one?"
Johnny replies: "Sure."
After that, the man asks for Johnny's phone and goes to back of the store. 5 minutes later, the man comes with an ice cream and Johnny's phone.
Johnny asks: "How much for the ice cream?"
The man replies: "Nothing, it's on the house."
After Johnny ate his delicious ice cream, he searched for his watch history. And then Johnny realized the flavor of the ice cream.
At least if you're fat you don't need to put as much bathwater in the bath.
Toothbrush says, "I have the worst job ever."
Toilet paper says, "You think your job is shitty."
If your girl smells like tilapia, don’t let her on top of ya.
Don't use Head and Shoulders, just use Head; otherwise, you'll end up in the retarded situation Stephen Hawking went through.
