Humor

How do skeletons have sex?

They bone each other.

A guy walks into a bar. He sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says, "You're getting laid tonight." She replies, "What are you, some sort of psychic?" He says, "No, I'm just stronger than you."

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."

Son: Mom, what is dark humor?

Mom: Son, do you see that man trying to tie his shoe with no hands?

Son: Mother, you know I'm blind and can't see!!

Mom: Exactly!

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

He lost internet connection.

I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.

what did the banana say to the banana?

"u look a-pealing"

When we were visiting the Hoover Dam, I started to get a bit hungry. I asked my parents, "Where's the dam snack bar?"

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

What did the pillow say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.

A woman comes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I have cancer." The doctor checks it out. "It’s all in your head," the doctor says. "Phew," said the woman. "A bunch of tumors, all in your head."

A proud new dad sits down with his own father.

His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.

The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."

What’s an abbreviation for school in America?

Shooting range.

Jokes just as dead as the victims.

Welcome to ____ pizzeria and abortion clinic where your loss is our sauce.

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them.