Humor
What’s an abbreviation for school in America?
Shooting range.
Jokes just as dead as the victims.
Welcome to ____ pizzeria and abortion clinic where your loss is our sauce.
This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.
I wonder where the bodies are?
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them.
You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.
What animal should wear a wig?
A bald eagle!
A guy starts chatting to a pretty woman at a party.
Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
‘BJ Titsngolf’
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
If you are American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
Euro-peein'.
Two fish walked into a wall. One said to the other, "Dam!"
What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?
Free dog food.
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
What's worse than Sally in a trash can? Sally in thirteen trash cans.
For sale: Dead canary.
Not going cheep.
A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”
it's not rape if we're both screaming
What type of people think rape jokes are funny?
Only the coolest people in the world! I fucking love you guys 😂
What do you get when you mix up a group of emos?
Suicide squad.
There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
Why doesn't China have a cricket team?
They always eat the bat.