Humor
Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?
Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.
Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.
If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.
But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.
Me: "Comment if you love yourself and give me a reason."
Friends: comments give reason.
Me: "Notice how I commented nothing."
Day later:
Mom: Let me see your TikTok.
Me: Shows her the video.
Mom: calls suicide.
JK, she just beat me for posting a video on her.
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?
America's funniest home videos.
One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.
Why are mountains never serious?
Because they’re hill areas.
What happens when you make an asían girl squirt?
She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.
Son: Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah, I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.
A man is with his friend in a bar.
The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"
Nervous, the man looks away.
The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."
The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."
"Wait, wha..."
"What?"
It's all shits and giggles till somebody giggles and shits.
Life would be so much easier if grass was emo.
Because it would cut itself.
"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"
"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"
What is a cannibal's favorite food?
Crackers.
What do you call a bear with extreme mood swings? -- A bi-polar-bear.
PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
The snowballs.
Sunday was a sad day, but yesterday was a sadder day.
Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry jokes?
Because they always come out clean.