Humor

Don’t orphans work at Dollar Tree?

Cause it’s a family business.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"

Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.

A guy walks into a bar. He sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says, "You're getting laid tonight." She replies, "What are you, some sort of psychic?" He says, "No, I'm just stronger than you."

What do gay horses eat?

Hay.

What do you call a group of chubby trans-genders?

Trans-fats.

So the horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

UwU

What's the difference between Autism and Gender?

Autism is on a spectrum.

What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run too if your name was dgergbbfdnbj.

Why was the Ethiopian baby crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

Dad: You’re looking pretty sheepish.

Son: That’s too baaaaaad!

I bet for Halloween you were a Goblin. How about you gobble deez nuts?

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

What do you call a Mexican with one leg?

Border hopper.

I told my deaf mom to be nice to the neighbors. She didn't listen...

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.