Humor

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

So, a neutron went to a bar. He asked the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender said, "For you, no charge."

I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.

He thought it was eggcellent.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

I'd make a joke about Noble Gases, but I probably wouldn't get much of a reaction.

I could tell you the one about the broken pencil... but it's pointless.

Want to hear a joke, huh?

Me........

Rules of dark humor.

1. Everything shall be touched.

2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.

I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.

He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire? Hot wheels!

Some moving men had just begun their day's work.

The first thing they brought into the house was a huge couch.

The owner came in and asked how everything was going. They replied, "Sofa so good."

I guess you can say he xxxpired.

Not all cat puns are purr-fect; some just have their claws.

Sans, you lazybones, get up and do something.

Sans: I am doing something.

Papyrus: Oh yeah, what?

Sans: Thinking up a skele-ton of jokes.

Papyrus: SANSSSsSsSsSssSsSSsSsSsSSsSSsSsSsS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will end you.

Sans: What, does someone not have a funny bone? Oh wait, do you have a bone to pick with me? I have 206.

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.

A man is sitting in a chair. He is talking to the other friend about what they must cherish.

One says he cherishes his family, the other cherishes his parents, and a man comes in, points at the chair and says, “I CHAIRish my Chair” as he pulls up a chair.

These are meannnnn.

If Bugs Bunny had Down Syndrome:

"Meeeehh, what's up, Downs?"