Humor
What did the cow say to the sheep?
“Moo!”
What did the sheep say to the cow?
“That was a bad joke!”
Oh baby, there's about to be 7 planets because I'm gonna destroy Uranus.
What did the squirrel say to the dog?
"There are nuts in your poop. I found them!"
Why did Hitler get hit by a baseball?
Because he did nazi it coming!
I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
Guy: Why can't Jesus have M&M's?
Priest: Why?
Guy: Because they'll fall through the hole in his hands.
At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.
What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him having sex? "You're wheelie good at this!"
Here is a good joke: asking for consent before sex.
I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.
Would an orphan's family photo be considered a selfie?
Friends are like penguins: if you stab them, they die. 😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
I know this isn't the real chicken wing song, but my version...
"Chicken wing, chicken wing, I want your mommy. Slap her with my hairy salami while she's still yawning."
Make your own chicken wing song and put it in the comments... :)
What did Spock encounter in the Enterprise toilet?
The Captain's Log.
Why is Mrs. Grapes 🍇 a good mother?
Because she loves raisin' kids.
What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.
If you humped a whale, it would humpback.