Humor

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.

What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common?

They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent.

What do you call a disabled orphan?

A left over vegetables.

Why did the frog take the train to work? His car got toad.

Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking, hot body as a senior citizen?

Cremation.

*WARNING* THIS WILL NEVER GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD - READ IF YOU DARE.....

What came first? The chicken or the egg?

Which came first? The color orange or the fruit?

Who taught the first ever teacher?

If you expect the unexpected, doesn't that make the unexpected expected?

If you describe something as 'indescribable', then haven't you already described it?

In the word 'scent', is the silent letter the 's' or the 'ce'?

Why do your lips touch when they say the word 'separate', but don't touch when you say the word 'together'?

How many photos do you think you could be in the background of?

The guy who discovered cow milk, what was he doing with that cow?

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, "Oh no, it's a cop"?

Is it possible to cry underwater?

If two left handers have an argument, who is right?

I warned you!! You just didn't listen.... :O

Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."

Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."

Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

A blondie and a redneck jumped off a building. Which one will land first?

The redneck because the blonde will ask for directions.

What did the Nazi order from Wendy's?

Two number NEINs.

Rape jokes are so incredibly offensive to stupid women like me who don’t understand what comedy is.

Why was the Koala Bear so clever?

Because he had good koalifications!

Knock, knock. Who's there? You're adopted.

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snow balls.

What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?

At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.

What was the last thing that went through Aiden's head before he died?

His elbow.

A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?

The helicopter blade!

Stephen Hawking walked in a bar...

Just kidding.

Want to hear a joke?

Your face.