Humor

Why did the frog take the train to work? His car got toad.

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common?

They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs.

All the people disliking these jokes are definitely orphans.

The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.

Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.

I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.

I don't know why we have to make jokes about this, it's already a joke.

Wow, why so many of the same joke?

A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture.

haha why couldn't the bike stand up because it was too tired.

That was a horrible pun. You should be sent to the PUN-itentiary!

What do you call someone who makes a joke about society?

The Joker.

Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking, hot body as a senior citizen?

Cremation.

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent.

*WARNING* THIS WILL NEVER GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD - READ IF YOU DARE.....

What came first? The chicken or the egg?

Which came first? The color orange or the fruit?

Who taught the first ever teacher?

If you expect the unexpected, doesn't that make the unexpected expected?

If you describe something as 'indescribable', then haven't you already described it?

In the word 'scent', is the silent letter the 's' or the 'ce'?

Why do your lips touch when they say the word 'separate', but don't touch when you say the word 'together'?

How many photos do you think you could be in the background of?

The guy who discovered cow milk, what was he doing with that cow?

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, "Oh no, it's a cop"?

Is it possible to cry underwater?

If two left handers have an argument, who is right?

I warned you!! You just didn't listen.... :O

Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."

Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."

Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

A blondie and a redneck jumped off a building. Which one will land first?

The redneck because the blonde will ask for directions.

Rape jokes are so incredibly offensive to stupid women like me who don’t understand what comedy is.