Humor

Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?

"Can you show me what rape is?"

Want to hear a joke?

Your face.

Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.

Smack an orphan, what’s he gonna do... tell his parents?

I guess age is just a number, but in your boyfriend's case, a personal preference.

Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?

I mean, the one I fucked died.

You are so skinny that the only difference between you and a leaf is color.

I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"

What's the difference between a baby and a brick?

A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.

Dad: I'm dying.

Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].

Dad: Really, now is not the time.

Son: I'm sorry.

Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)

To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.

Two cows were hiding.

One said: "Moooo."

The other one said: "Shut up! We're hiding!"

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?

“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A nectarine.

Wanna hear a dry joke? A desert.

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.

The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"

Why do most orphans become prostitutes?

“Because they always wanted a daddy.”