Humor

A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?

The helicopter blade!

Stephen Hawking walked in a bar...

Just kidding.

Want to hear a joke?

Your face.

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A nectarine.

I guess age is just a number, but in your boyfriend's case, a personal preference.

Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"

You are so skinny that the only difference between you and a leaf is color.

Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?

I mean, the one I fucked died.

Smack an orphan, what’s he gonna do... tell his parents?

Dad: I'm dying.

Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].

Dad: Really, now is not the time.

Son: I'm sorry.

Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)

Two cows were hiding.

One said: "Moooo."

The other one said: "Shut up! We're hiding!"

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?

“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.

What's the difference between a baby and a brick?

A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.

What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.

To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.

Wanna hear a dry joke? A desert.

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

Why do most orphans become prostitutes?

“Because they always wanted a daddy.”