Humor

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A nectarine.

I guess age is just a number, but in your boyfriend's case, a personal preference.

Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"

You are so skinny that the only difference between you and a leaf is color.

Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?

I mean, the one I fucked died.

Smack an orphan, what’s he gonna do... tell his parents?

Dad: I'm dying.

Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].

Dad: Really, now is not the time.

Son: I'm sorry.

Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)

Two cows were hiding.

One said: "Moooo."

The other one said: "Shut up! We're hiding!"

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?

“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.

What's the difference between a baby and a brick?

A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.

What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.

To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.

Wanna hear a dry joke? A desert.

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

Why do most orphans become prostitutes?

“Because they always wanted a daddy.”

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."

Your momma's so dumb, she tried to climb Mountain Dew.

Why do the orphans keep going back to the orphan home?

Because they got no home to go to, yeah, please like this and laugh because I got no one to read this.