Humor
They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.
What's the difference between eggs and you? Eggs get laid, you don't.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.
What do you call a nose without a body? -- Nobody knows.
I would roast you, but you don't have any meat!
Memes
Why did the Catholic priest suck dick at a glory hole?
Because someone asked him what he would do for a Klondike bar.
What is Hitler's least favorite month?
Jewly.
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.
MVP means: “Most Valuable Player.”
In Chuck Norris' case: “Most Vaginas Penetrated”.
What does a cannibal call people in water?
Sea food.
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them?
Abortion, it really brings out the kid in you.
What's the best thing about 28 year olds?
- There's 20 of them.
What makes a joke a dad joke?
I don't know. I don't even have one as an example.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away. So in turn, they try to swim to the island. The brunette swims 10 km then drowns. The redhead swims 30 km then drowns. The blonde swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
Why can't skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.