Humor
These murder jokes are just KILLING me!
What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.
I am an actual police officer (Not gonna mention with which department in case they actually check this site) and tbh I find these jokes funny as fuck, carry on boys.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
A "glad-he-ate-her".
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
Sorry mate
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of salad?
A chicken sees a salad (chicken Caesar salad).
Your forehead is so huge, you don't have dreams, you have movies. Follow me on Instagram: _zer0x3.
If Canadians speak "English Eh?", do Americans speak "English B?"
Knock knock! Who's there? King Tut! King Tut who? King Tutty Fried Chicken!
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss!
The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.
Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."
Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"
Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
What is Michael Jackson's favorite planet? Uranus.
I have an orphan joke, but it needs parental guidance.
Did you hear of the guy who was sad about being in a wheelchair? He had that crippling depression.
Where do mathematicians go to die?
The symmetry.
Just because she weighed as much as two women... Doesn't mean you had a threesome.