Humor

Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.

I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up.

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."

What did the titanic say as it was sinking?

I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.

Two men ran into a bar. You would have thought after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it.

Why did all the numbers mourn 10? Because he was in the middle of 9, 11.

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady. She asked which kid was mine, and I responded, "I haven't decided yet."

When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)

Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.

What would you rate this woman?

A 7.

Why?

Because 7 ate 9!

Just hire some people to be fake parents and print off an adoption paper. On April Fools', just leave them there at the orphanage! APRIL FOOLS!

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

My fucking life, cya.

What do you call a decapitated politician?

A severed head of state.

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

If an orphan takes a selfie, isn't it basically a family portrait?