Humor

Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."

What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.

What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

Damn bro, are you Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?

Cuz you be lookin AuTiSTiC.

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!

Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?

A: You gonna eat that?

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?

A trash can behind the cancer ward.

Ring ring.

Abortion clinic!

Where no fetus can beat us.

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

What did the fat man say as he entered Nagasaki?

Nothing, he just exploded.

Why are cows such great dancers?

They have all the best moooves!

How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.

Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”