Humor
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
My dads just like my eggs... runny. 🤣😭🥺
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
What do you call a person with a hole in their shoe?
A Christian.
Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
Hahahaahhahahahah my joje.
Why don’t Belgians eat shit sandwiches?
They don’t fancy bread!
What’s black and sits on top of the stairs?
Christopher Reeves in a house fire.
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
Why did the boy put a chicken 🐔 in his garden?
He wanted to grow an eggplant. 😂
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Social distancing.
It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."
Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."
A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.
The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"
What's the difference between drugs and kids?
I don't sell drugs.
Want to know why parents don't get school shooting jokes?
Because they are aimed at a younger audience.
Why were the 1800s so crazy?
Because of Hairriet Tubman.
I only made so it's the 69th in the hair category.
Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.
What do you find up a ghost's nose? A BOOger.
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.