Humor
My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.
Person 1: How smart are you?
Person 2: Really smart.
Person 1: Ok. If you have 3 ghosts and take away 2, how many are left?
Person 2: 1 ghost is left.
Person 1: Wrong! 0 ghosts are left because ghosts don't exist!
Gf: Babe, do you love me?
Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.
Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...
Bf: Exactly.
Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.
Where would an astronaut park his spaceship? A parking meteor.
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.
Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?
They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.
I would make a joke about Kobe, but I don't think it would fly very well.
So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.
English: It's the story of two potatoes, one gets mashed and the other screams “Oh mash!”
French: C’est l’histoire de deux pommes de terre. Une d’elles se fait écraser et l’autre s’écrie “Oh purée!”
Why are nuts on boys?
What do you call a group of depressed kids?
The suicide squad.
Your mum said, "Who did it?" Ya nan!
It was so cold out today believe it or not, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!
Do you guys know how to make a hoe in Minecraft?
You pick it up off the street.
Why does new pavement smell like butt?
In other words you can also call it asphalt.
Ass-phalt.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
Dad: You’re looking pretty sheepish.
Son: That’s too baaaaaad!
Teacher: This assignment is big.
Student (male): I have something that's big.
Teacher: Yeah, your forehead.
Two to the one from the one to the three, I like good pussy and I like good trees, Smoke so much weed you wouldn't believe, And I get more ass than a toilet seat.
Three to the one from the one to the three, I met a bad bitch last night in the D, Let me tell you how I made her leave with me, Conversation and Hennessey.
I've been to the motherfuckin' mountain top, Heard motherfuckers talk, seen and dropped, If I ain't got a weapon I'ma pick up a rock, And when I bust yo ass I'ma continue to rock.
Getcha ass of the wall with your two left feet, It's real easy just follow the beat, Don't let that fine girl pass you by, Look real close 'cause strobe lights blind.
I didn’t eat breakfast because I’m starving myself.