Hows Jokes

There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead.

Matt, "Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife"

Priest, "how so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything just rubbed each other, that's all"

Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box"

Matt, "okay i promise not to see her again"

Then Matt walks out the door

Priest, "Hey I saw you! you didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in"

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees

Q: how come in airports,they park the planes outside? A: they don't belong in buildings

How do you escape a French prison?

Yell angrily in German.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy.

How did Hellen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball as told her to “read this book”.

My ex boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket check out for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97

me: "comment if you love yourself and give me a reason" friends: comments give reason me: "notice how i commented nothing day later mom: let me see your tik tok me: shows her the video mom: calls suicide JK she just beat me for posting a video on her

Yḱnow how in pinocchio the french puppets have the thigh rings? Well I got em too! Only red and thinner.

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them “because I’m such a noose-ance.”

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

How does Hellen Keller drive?

With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.

Why do the depressed people go to camp to learn how to tie knots tighter

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

how do you get more presents from santa? you tickle his sack

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling