Hows jokes
Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.
Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.
How do fat people settle arguments?
By seeing who can eat the most at a buffet.
How do you make people mad? You use the wrong category. It makes them go red.
How did Peter Parker get caught as Spider-Man?
Well, he weaved a really tangled web, and Aunt May saw it.
Chuck: Do you have holes in your underpants?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Chuck: Then how do you get your feet through?
How do you confuse a fish?
Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!
Twin: Hey twin, how's it going?
Twin 2: Weird, twin. Bye.
Twin: Not funny, dude.
A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.
Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"
Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"
Priest: "Fuck the children."
Rabbi: "Do we have time?"
Priest: "There's always time for something like that."
How to protect your nuts from being hit: Just get hard.
How do people with hydrocephalus wear standard-size helmets?
How are Eggs Benedict and a blow job alike?
You can't get either one at home.
Donald Trump is so smart he got to take a cognitive test 4 times.
And if you think that's impressive, wait until you hear how many times he got to retake first grade.
Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!
How did the orphan go to school?
Not by his parents.
How does a prostitute that has blond hair and polish and a gay white male kill erectile dysfunction for his clients?
He performs fellatio on them.
Funny how "Hawking" rhymes with "talking" and "walking," and he can't do either.
And the first four letters of his Christian name spell "step," and he also can't do that.
How can you tell an Asian guy is awake?
You can never tell.
How many times do you nut? It depends how hard you do it.
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop.)
How many Senators fans does it take to change a light bulb?
All 3 of them.
Hockey for life!