Hows

Hows jokes

Wife

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

She comes home with sparkles on her face.

Man

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

Helen Keller

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her head? She answered the iron.

How'd she burn the other side? They called back.

  • 3
  • Chicken

    Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.

    P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?

    P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).

    P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*

    Baby

    How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

    Depends on how hard you throw them.

  • 0
  • Blonde

    How do you confuse a blonde? Put it in a circle and tell it to sit in the corner.

    USA

    How did the USA beat Japan in rapping?

    By dropping two of the biggest roasts.

  • 1
  • Depression

    Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

    Butt

    How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.

    Depression

    Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

    Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

    Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

    Kid

    Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Wanna go ride a bike?

    Gym

    How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?

    Go through the dumbbell door.

    Tootsie Roll

    I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...