Hows jokes
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
You give them a Sandy Hook.
Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Most people say I'm a clown. Yet they don't laugh at my jokes. Most people avoid me because I'm a "clown". Yet I'm not the center of the circus. But I know I'm gonna be a clown forever. Because I can't take this damn mask off, no matter how hard I try.
Weeks later: Finally I found out why I'm being called a clown...because my smiling face is fake...
How did the USA beat Japan in rapping?
By dropping two of the biggest roasts.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Memes
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
How do you name an Asian child?
Ring the doorbell.
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her head? She answered the iron.
How'd she burn the other side? They called back.
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.
P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?
P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).
P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
How are mountains able to see?
They peak!
How does Stephen Hawking take a shit? He logs out.
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Running, JK rolling!
How do you confuse a blonde? Put it in a circle and tell it to sit in the corner.
Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.
How do cows laugh?
Moo-haha.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?
Go through the dumbbell door.