Hows jokes

How to get quick cash:

Step 1: Kill a child's parents.

Step 2: Do foster care for them.

Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

She comes home with sparkles on her face.

How did the hipster drown?

He ice-skated before it was cool.

How do you name an Asian child?

Ring the doorbell.

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her head? She answered the iron.

How'd she burn the other side? They called back.

Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.

P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?

P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).

P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*

How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.

How are mountains able to see?

They peak!

How does Stephen Hawking take a shit? He logs out.

How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

How do you confuse a blonde? Put it in a circle and tell it to sit in the corner.

How did the USA beat Japan in rapping?

By dropping two of the biggest roasts.

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

How do cows laugh?

Moo-haha.

How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Wanna go ride a bike?

How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?

Go through the dumbbell door.

How do you blindfold an Asian? String!