Hows jokes

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"

The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"

The school shooter: "I don't know."

The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."

You know how in Pinocchio the French puppets have the thigh rings?

Well, I got them too! Only red and thinner.

How do necrophiles get consent? A ouija board.

Me: "Comment if you love yourself and give me a reason."

Friends: comments give reason.

Me: "Notice how I commented nothing."

Day later:

Mom: Let me see your TikTok.

Me: Shows her the video.

Mom: calls suicide.

JK, she just beat me for posting a video on her.

Son: Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah, I do!

Son: How did it taste?

Dad: Get out.

Why do depressed people go to camp? To learn how to tie knots tighter.

How do skeletons have sex?

They bone each other.

How do you rape a feminist? Tell her you are a woman and she will let you do whatever. You won't even need to force it.

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

How are giants and strippers alike?

They both grind men's bones to make their bread.

It isn't really rape if you speak different languages. I mean, how is the man supposed to know what she is saying? Those could be tears of joy and screams of pleasure.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He rolled too far away from the outlet on the wall.

Q. How does a feminist stop a rapist?

A. By using her equal strength.

How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true, and then the person is a victim for sure.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.

What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.

What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.

The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.