Hows jokes
Where did Sally go after the gunshot?
6 feet under.
*That is how deep they put the coffin...*
How do you get 50 hungry kids into a box? You put a can of beans in there.
How do you get 50 hungry kids out of a box? You run past with a can opener.
Man: How tall is a penguin?
Bartender: About three foot, why?
Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!
Poor car.
I love teaching students
how to make them harm themselves.
I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.
Life is like a game of chess.
I don’t know how to play chess.
When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?
Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Crying babies are like parties. No matter how many times you try to end it, it keeps going.
He: "Do you know you have a space in your uterus?"
She: "How can I resolve this?"
He: "Get a Cancer!"
So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He had a computer virus!
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Want to know how to keep an idiot in suspense???
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
How come you never see a broke midget?
Because he’s living in the broke man’s boots.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
I love your hair today.
How did you get it to come out your nose like that?
How do terrorists feed their children?
"Here comes the airplane!"
How do you make a baby survive a fall of over 300 metres?
I don't know. I've dropped dozens off the Empire State Building and none have lived.