Hows jokes
Crying babies are like parties. No matter how many times you try to end it, it keeps going.
So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He had a computer virus!
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Want to know how to keep an idiot in suspense???
How do you know if a snowman is a girl or a boy?
A: Snowballs.
How does the earth rate its sex?
Earthquake, Cataclysm, Volcano explosion, Earth's core explodes.
If the earth's core explodes, then he got tore up!
I'm not going bungee jumping. I was born by broken rubber, and that's not how I'm going out.
Looking for true love. Must be into fun, likes to go out driving, playing the latest catching game and most importantly, must love kids. (PEADOPHILES MUST APPLY WITH HOW MANY KIDS YOU CAN CARRY!)
How did the man in prison escape?
He drew a bum on the wall and slid through the crack.
A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."
How many letters are in the English Alphabet?
Twenty-two. ET went home, P ran down his leg, and he took ME with him.
What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
How did 10 die?
Because it was in between 9 and 11.
How is a woman like a road?
They both have manholes.
How dare you people make 9/11 jokes? It's just "plane" rude!
How does an orange 🍊 go into a crowded restaurant?
By squeezing his way in.
How fast is the speed of sex?
68 because at 69 you've got to turn around.
Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish?
A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.