Hows jokes

Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.

The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.

The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"

"Six pounds."

"And shaving?"

"Three pounds."

"Good, then shave my head."

How did the carpenter do on his interview? He nailed it!

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.

Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

How do you confuse a fish?

Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!

How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?

Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.

How do you know if an Asian is an orphan?

If their grade was only an A.

POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"

How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?

It never gets old.

Bro never learned how to play Jenga. 🙄

How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end.

How many skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

10; 1 to do it and 9 to back him up.

Many were curious about how methane ended up on Mars.

I'm pretty sure it was because of Uranus.

Funny how "Hawking" rhymes with "talking" and "walking," and he can't do either.

And the first four letters of his Christian name spell "step," and he also can't do that.

How did Michael Jackson die?

Because he danced like a zombie!

My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

Him: How do you break things?

Me: You break things up.

Him: Okay.

Me: Is everything okay?

Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

I can't tell what's farther, the Great Wall of China, or how far Paul Walker flew out of his windshield.

A kid went to visit his bully, and he says, "How's your face?" The kid says, "How's your parents?" and proceeds to walk out of the orphanage.

Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?