House jokes
Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.
Where can a male and female rabbit make love at? The rabbit house or the rabbit hole?
Why can’t orphans play poker? Because they don’t know what a full house is.
What do you call a house that isn't a house?
Not a house.
I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?
There are speedos in the microwave.
A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.
He just turned a blind eye.
"Mommy, mommy, where's my school dress... ewww!"
"Shut up and leave the bedroom."
Which room is the safest place in the house?
The living room.
Dad: Are you gay?
Kid: Yes.
10 days later.
Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.
Dad: I thought you were gay?
Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.
Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.
Some kid: Hey, did you know there's an orphanage down the street?!
Me: NO WAY! Wanna check it out?
Kid: NO, IT'S HAUNTED!!
Me: Haunted my ass, let's go!
Kid: Wait, isn't your house also haunted???
Me: Yea
You're so short that you build a tiny house for yourself.
Girl: "Come over."
Orphan: "I can't."
Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"
Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."
I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,
they bring me things. <_>
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
What do you call the White House when a woman becomes President? A stable.
An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""
"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"
Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."
What did the bulldozer say to the house?
"I wanna bulldoze houses!"
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.