House jokes
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.
Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!
Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"
Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"
Have you walked into Stephen Hawking's house?
Oh, neither did he.
A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen.
"Are those brownies I smell?" he asks.
"Indeed, they are," he was told.
"Gee," he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts!"
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
1 like = 1 more child in my basement.
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”
Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.
I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.
He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.