What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later thereโs a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: โWhat the hell was that all about?โ
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.
What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."
Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!
Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"
Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, โDid you just shoot me with a Nazi round?โ and I replied, โDo you mean Nein millimeter?โ
Have you walked into Stephen Hawking's house?
Oh, neither did he.
1 like= 1 more child in my basement
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen.
"Are those brownies I smell?" he asks.
"Indeed, they are," he was told.
"Gee," he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts!"
Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.
What do you call a retard in a house fire?
Flame Retardant.
Why canโt orphans say "Iโm in the ghetto?" Because they canโt say "Iโm in a home."
How did the computer get out of the house?
He used windows.
