House jokes

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

What is the difference between a human and a house? A human can walk, and a house cannot walk.

What has two tires and no engine? A magic house 🏡

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Why is Donald Trump so desperate to break into the White House?

Most landlords cannot lease their properties to him due to the fact that he is a felon.

"Knock knock."

Orphan: "Who's there?"

"Not your parents."

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

What is the difference between climate change and the greenhouse effect, once a philosopher, twice a sodomite?

A woman went out on a date and said, “I’m thirty-one with the body of a sixteen-year-old.” The man responded, “Wanna show me? 😏” The woman took him back to her house and opened her freezer and said, “Take a look.”

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."

Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?

Because he was about to kick the cabinet.

Why are women like hurricanes?

They come in nasty and wet, then leave with your house and car.

What do you call a cute door?

Adoorable.

You're so poor, people break into your house and leave things.

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

What do you get when you cross a panhandler, a politician, a lobbyist, a prostitute, a sodomite, and a Jehovah's Witness knocking on your door at your house to convert you to their religion?