House jokes
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
What do you call a house party for slaves?
An auction house.
Why can't Trump go to the White House anymore? Because it's forbidden!
So, Dora is having a sleepover with her cousin Diego at Dora's house. Later that night, Dora's mom hears someone screaming, "Go Diego go!" for at least a couple of minutes, and then it stops, and she goes back to sleep.
But then she hears the same thing a couple of minutes later, so she walks in and hears "Go Diego go!" She walks over to Diego's sleeping bag and looks, and it's empty, so she walks over to Dora's sleeping bag and looks in and sees Dora getting f
... by Diego and hears Dora saying, "Go Diego go!" while moaning.
"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"
What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?
House of Pain—"Jump Around."
What goes up and down but stays in the same place?
Stairs.
What do you call a cute door?
Adoorable.
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"
Woman two: "Did that work?"
Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."
A girl came to my house. She said, "Where are your parents?" I started crying.
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbor.
Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?
Me: If I tell you, you won’t believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.
What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?
We're all empty on the inside.
What did a magic house 🏠 do?
Make someone in a wheelchair.
How can toilet paper decorate your house?
Shit sticks everywhere.
A kid and his dad went to the park. The kid accidentally steps on a cockroach.
They go home immediately and dad gets the scissors. Now the kid has some balls to play with.
One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.
I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!
Orphans maybe got phones, but they don't have a home button.
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
More than 9 because my basement's still dark.
Why did the short person bring a ladder to the bar?
Because they heard the drinks were on the house!