House jokes
A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?"
The little boy says, "That’s my little red race car."
Ten minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?"
The little girl says, "That’s my little red race car garage."
So later that night, the little boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She said yes, and then they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won’t fit.
Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs up the stairs, flips on the lights and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?"
The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn’t fit, so I cut the back wheels off."
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."
I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"
Hi Freshfry, hi Alex, I did not see your messages yesterday because I was at my brother's soccer game, and then people came to our house till 11:00. Lol, sorry :)
Q. What do a one-story house and an Alzheimer's victim have in common? A. Nothing going on upstairs.
I made a house for orphans and...
they had no clue how to use it.
Every time I come in the kitchen, my girl is in the kitchen in the damn refrigerator eating all the food, like the fried chicken, the mashed potatoes, the collard greens, mac and cheese, and the cornbread.
Then I said I wanna eat some of that shit. I love soul food. Then I told her, "You keep it up; your fat ass is going to be big like the house on Haunted Hill."
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.
Have you ever stepped in Stephen Hawking's house?
Neither has he.
What do you call a house with no one living inside?
An orphan house.
Why aren't orphans good at Monopoly?
They don't know what a house is.
Please stop hurting people's feelings, or they'll hang around the house.
How does a rapper clean his house?
With a LIL' SCRUB.
I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.
They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.
How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?
How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
The big hand is on the little hand!
Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?
Because he was about to kick the cabinet.
There is gonna be a huge party at the orphanage tonight because the parents ain't home.