House Jokes

Stephen Hawking went bankrupt after he found out somebody in his house was costing him way too much money on electricity bills.

He just couldn’t figure out who.

Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relieved. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. "Nitrogen!" The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good night.”

A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"

The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."

The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.

You're so damn ugly that the robbers only go into your house to close the blinds.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

A meme with the text "Mom's POV. When you realize everyone in the house has been inside you." Below, there's a boy with a smug expression.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock?

Who's there?

The chicken!

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

Yo mama so fat, she can’t even fit in the living room!

Why do orphans not build houses in Minecraft? Because they want it to be realistic.

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All I got was dust and my mom's wig.

POV: You're an orphan.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not your mom.

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

Why can’t orphans play poker? Because they don’t know what a full house is.

When the C.I.A. raided Osama Bin Laden’s house, they found Steam on his computer. This means he was a gamer. He raged a little too hard and went for New York.