House

House jokes

Place

Guy: Whose place? Mine or yours?

Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Mama

Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.

Woman

I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.

How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?

Ring

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

Bedtime

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Cow

A cow is at his friend's house for a sleepover party. Sadly, all of the beds are taken. Where does the cow sleep?

On the COWch (couch).

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  • Sandwich

    There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

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  • Pedophile

    A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven-year-olds.

    The pedophile has a pair of 7's and three 4's in the river. He smiles and says, "Yay, I got me a full house!"

  • 0
  • Woman

    What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.

    Bathroom

    I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"

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  • Fred

    Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

    In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

    As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

    She replies, "No".

    Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

    His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

    She replies, "No."

    Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

    His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

    His mom says "No."

    He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

    His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

    He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

    Orphan

    How many orphans does it take to screw a light bulb in there house?

    None because they don't have a home.

    Arson

    A child is determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”

    Depression

    Me: Hey, how are you?

    Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3

    Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?

    Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.

    Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!

    Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)

    Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!

    Me: Ok, and their names?

    Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!

    Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)

    Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.

    Me: Ok, see you soon! :3

    Me now hates my life. :)

    Little Johnny

    Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."