A llama kicked me out of my house. Alpaca my bags.
What does a skeleton tile his roof with? SHINgles!
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic? Where do you keep the cans of paint?
Why was it cold in Stephen hawkings house? - Because he had a new window open...
😂👌🏻
What's the difference between a baby and a mansion? I've never seen the inside of a mansion
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"
She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."
The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"
The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"
"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"
The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."
i went to a butcher house with my little cousin and seen a baby pig and told her look its pepa pig
she started crying
How do you enter your house?
Through Bill gates!
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?
Ariana Grande agrees with me on something: women belong in the kitchen and bedroom.
why did the mailman come to the house? To come back with the milk
How man babies does it take to paint a house, depends how hard you throw them
I went to visit my childhood home I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories, they said no and slammed the door on me, my parents are so mean.
Why did Michael Jackson allow little boys to sleep in his house? Because he's bad.
An orphan once said i will call my mum and go home A homeless kid once said he will go home
Some locked me out of my house today.... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore
What type of horse can jump higher than a house? all houses cant jump
what did the floor say to the ceiling. i look up to you.
how do you make a orphan cry? ask to go over to his house if his parents are OK with it
