Holiday jokes
What's an orphan's favorite movie?
"Home Alone."
I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.
A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"
The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"
What does Santa say to 3 girls in a row?
HO HO HO
It's that time of year again. 🎄🎅🤶🎄
How can you help a llama on holiday?
Alpaca your bags.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?
Because they don't have father's and mother's days.
Why does an orphan's year only have 363 days? Because it's missing Mother's and Father's Day.
April Fool's Day: Go tell an orphan their parents are back.
Orphan: Where... Oh.
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Friend: Why?
Me: Because they don't have a mother or father's day.
So I stayed at home for Halloween when I suddenly hear a knock on my door. I open and I see Penandes! I was confused and asked him why he does not wear a costume, and he said he doesn't need to.
Then I realized that he's a ghost and gave him 3 candies. Enjoy the candies Pruno!
What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
Q: What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Leukemia.
"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."
What did the girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.
Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.
Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
"You gotta bleed before you teeth."
- Santa Claus
What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?
I only stuff the turkey.