Holiday jokes

On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,

"Please send me a sibling!"

Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"

"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"

"Claustrophobic!"

Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?

It was only 3/5 full.

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

What does a priest and Christmas tree have in common? The balls are just for decoration.

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?

Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.

Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?

Because they don't have father's and mother's days.

So I stayed at home for Halloween when I suddenly hear a knock on my door. I open and I see Penandes! I was confused and asked him why he does not wear a costume, and he said he doesn't need to.

Then I realized that he's a ghost and gave him 3 candies. Enjoy the candies Pruno!

A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.

Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.

What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?

Nothing because they can't open the gift.

Q: What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Leukemia.

"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."

What did the girl get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.

Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

"You gotta bleed before you teeth."

- Santa Claus

What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?

I only stuff the turkey.