Holiday jokes

A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"

The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"

How can you help a llama on holiday?

Alpaca your bags.

What does Santa say to 3 girls in a row?

HO HO HO

Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?

Because they don't have father's and mother's days.

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"

"Claustrophobic!"

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?

Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.

So I stayed at home for Halloween when I suddenly hear a knock on my door. I open and I see Penandes! I was confused and asked him why he does not wear a costume, and he said he doesn't need to.

Then I realized that he's a ghost and gave him 3 candies. Enjoy the candies Pruno!

A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.

Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.

What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?

Nothing because they can't open the gift.

Q: What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Leukemia.

"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."

What did the girl get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.

Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

"You gotta bleed before you teeth."

- Santa Claus

What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?

I only stuff the turkey.

Well, tell her that Halloween is the best holiday because you can hide Easter eggs under the Christmas tree while eating a big Thanksgiving turkey.

What do Orphans say on Father's Day?

Well, not "Happy Father's Day."

My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.