Holiday jokes
I went on a one in a lifetime vacation. Never again!
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!
What do you call an angry reindeer? RUDE-olph!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast? Snowflakes!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsel-itis!
Your chin is where I went on ski vacation.
What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?
They both empty their sacks around children.
What do Orphans say on Father's Day?
Well, not "Happy Father's Day."
What does the child with no hands get for Christmas? Unknown. He hasn't opened it yet.
What does a homeless man in New York get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
Why do orphans only have 354 days?
'Cause they are missing Mothers and Fathers day!
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?
Because they don't have father's and mother's days.
Q. What monster plays the most April Fools' pranks?
A. Prankenstein.
Why do orphans hate Christmas?
Father Christmas isn’t a thing.
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year? Because they don’t have a Mother’s and Father’s Day.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.
Why do Catholic Irishmen in Ireland have a glory hole in the men's restroom inside their restaurants so they can give Irish kisses on Saint Patrick's Day?
Santa Claus walks up to three little girls and says, "Ho, ho, ho!"
Yo mama so ugly, when Santa saw her, he said, "Ho, ho, hole shit!"
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
I put the Christmas balls in my sack.
Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?
Santa Claus!
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.