Holiday jokes
Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.
Yo mama so fat, when Santa Claus went down the chimney, he said, "Ho, ho, hooooly sh*t!"
Your mama so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas!
What sound does a nut make when it comes alive?
Christmas!
What did the cow say to his relatives on Christmas day?
Moorry Christmas!
(Even though cows can't really have religions.)
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!
What do you call an angry reindeer? RUDE-olph!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast? Snowflakes!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsel-itis!
Little Johnny woke up at midnight on Christmas Eve to Santa with his pants down on top of his mom. He then said, "Ho ho OH YEAH!!!"
Why don’t Chinese kids get to celebrate Christmas?
'Cause they're the ones making the toys.
Teacher: What is your least favorite holiday?
Orphan: National Forgive Your Mom And Dad Day.
Teacher: Why is that your least favorite?
Orphan: Because I don't have any parents to forgive.
Teacher: *tries to hold back* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Why do Christmas trees like wheelchairs? Because they have kids.
What does the blind, deaf child get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the difference between Santa and an orphan? Nothing; they don’t have parents.
What do you call a snowman that lives in Halloween? Snoween!
You're an orphan and blind. You have cancer. You will die in 3 days. Merry Xmas!
Flip 1134 over on a calculator.
Happy holidays!
On Christmas, Mexicans wake up in the morning, then take a nap.
Joking, I know they work hard. They run all the way to the border to decorate the barbed wire.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?
Because they don't have a Father's Day.
Q: Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
A: Because they're Santa's Starbucks!
Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!