Holiday jokes
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
Son, why do I not have an Easter basket?
Mom, you're 23, you don't need one. Ends calls, child support.
Why did Santa go to work? Because he was just trying out the work! 😂😂
I still don't know what's the worst, most dangerous place to take your children on holiday, but, for certain, it's either Vatican City or Neverland Ranch.
Your mama so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas!
Why was everybody so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a March of 31 days!
Why is a sweet potato casserole so sweet? Because it's so sweet to eat!
If you ever get bored, tell an orphan to take two days off their calendar. If they ask why, say, "Because you're missing Father's Day and Mother's Day."
I usually hang up Halloween decorations,
but this year I'm gonna be the decoration.
What do you call an elf that sings? A Wrapper.
Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.
My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
There are 365 days in a year. Orphans have 363 because they don’t have a Mother’s or Father’s Day.
What did Sally get for Christmas?
Cancer.
I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't read. They showed me a picture of a birthday cake and I thought it was a menorah!
Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.
Yo mama so scary, the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
I killed a man, but it was April Fools'!