Holiday jokes
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.
He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."
Santa Claus gave a child a bike and a football. The child wasn’t happy. Why?
He had no legs.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
What did the person with no hands get for Christmas?
He didn't open it yet.
Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.
Feminists: Correct.
Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?
Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?
Because they don't have father's and mother's days.
Why do orphans love Christmas?
Because they build a home.
Yo mama so old.
Her first Christmas... was the first Christmas!
What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.
What do you call a snowman that lives in Halloween? Snoween!
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?
I only stuff the turkey.
If an orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year, tell them for you it's only 363 days because you skip Father's Day and Mother's Day.
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.