Holiday jokes
A kid is trick-or-treating. He knocks on a door. Then someone opens the door and the kid said, "HI, I'M THE WICKED WIENER!"
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
What did Santa say when he got to the club? Ho, ho, ho!
I went on a one in a lifetime vacation. Never again!
Christmas. Living proof arseholes exist.
Memes
Yo mama is so ugly that when Santa came to the house and saw a picture of her, he died.
An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."
The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"
Yo mama so ugly, that when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho- HOLY SHIT!"
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he still hasn't opened it yet.
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
Q: Why did the emo kid get jealous on Xmas?
A: He saw the ornaments hanging.
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year? Because they don’t have a Mother’s and Father’s Day.
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year.
Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What did Sally get for Easter?..
Nail polish.
There's a white guy, black guy, and Santa Claus. They get a hotel room.
White guy goes in room first and sees money on the table and he picks it up. A ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off your weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Black guy goes in the room, sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Santa Claus goes in the room sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." Santa Claus looks at the ghost and says "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, you touch my dick I'll kick your ass!"
Why do orphans hate Christmas?
Father Christmas isn’t a thing.