Holiday jokes
Can [I] ask your sister how you are going for Christmas? And [to clarify,] I have internet.
Why does an orphan cry on Thanksgiving?
Family gathering.
How do mountains get big?
They go trick-or-treating!
A kid is trick-or-treating. He knocks on a door. Then someone opens the door and the kid said, "HI, I'M THE WICKED WIENER!"
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
Memes
What did Santa say when he got to the club? Ho, ho, ho!
I went on a one in a lifetime vacation. Never again!
Christmas. Living proof arseholes exist.
An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."
The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"
What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?
They will come down your "chimney" tonight.
Yo mama so ugly, that when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho- HOLY SHIT!"
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he still hasn't opened it yet.
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
Q: Why did the emo kid get jealous on Xmas?
A: He saw the ornaments hanging.
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year? Because they don’t have a Mother’s and Father’s Day.
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year.
Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What did Sally get for Easter?..
Nail polish.