Holiday jokes
Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?
He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.
It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*
What sound does a nut make when it comes alive?
Christmas!
What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?
"Do you need help packing your shit?"
What’s an orphan’s favorite holidays? Mothers’ and Father’s Day.
Why do orphans only have 362 days in a year?
Because they don't have Mothers', Fathers', and Family Day!
What happens if you play with Santa’s ball? You get a white Christmas.
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They don’t have Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
What did Santa say when he got to the club? Ho, ho, ho!
Why did Billy not like the soccer ball he got for Christmas?
He has no legs...
Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!
What's an orphan's favorite movie?
"Home Alone."
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
Why does an orphan cry on Thanksgiving?
Family gathering.
Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.
On Christmas, Mexicans wake up in the morning, then take a nap.
Joking, I know they work hard. They run all the way to the border to decorate the barbed wire.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.