Holiday jokes
My family was watching Home Alone 2, so whenever Kevin was at the top of the Twin Towers, I threw a paper airplane at the T.V.
"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."
"Why?"
"Because I want to hang!"
Yo mama so old.
Her first Christmas... was the first Christmas!
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.
You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
Your mama is so fat when Santa went down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, ho, holy shit, you're fatter than me, bitch!"
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Because they don’t have a “mother’s” or “father’s” day!
What does the cow say when it's going on holiday? - MOOOOOYORK.
I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.
Can [I] ask your sister how you are going for Christmas? And [to clarify,] I have internet.
What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?
A white elephant.
How do mountains get big?
They go trick-or-treating!
Why does an orphan cry on Thanksgiving?
Family gathering.
A kid is trick-or-treating. He knocks on a door. Then someone opens the door and the kid said, "HI, I'M THE WICKED WIENER!"
Yo mama is so ugly that when Santa came to the house and saw a picture of her, he died.
Why was Santa happy?
'Cause he has hoes.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
Why do orphans only have 362 days in a year?
Because they don't have Mothers', Fathers', and Family Day!
What did Santa say when he got to the club? Ho, ho, ho!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!