What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?
They shellabrated their mommy.
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: “Wrap” music.
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
Why do a pedophile love Halloween?
Free delivery.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
Why do orphans hate Christmas?
Father Christmas isn’t a thing.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.
Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.
It's still printing.
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
what an orthsn favourite movie home alone
my son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
How can you help a llama on holiday?
Alpaca your bags.
What is a paedo's favourite time of year?
Halloween because they get free delivery.
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.
You're so ugly, you have trick-or-treat on the phone!
