Holiday Jokes

There's a white guy, black guy, and Santa Claus. They get a hotel room.

White guy goes in room first and sees money on the table and he picks it up. A ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off your weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.

Black guy goes in the room, sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.

Santa Claus goes in the room sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." Santa Claus looks at the ghost and says "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, you touch my dick I'll kick your ass!"

A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.

Why?

The kid had no legs.

How many wives does Santa have?

Ho Ho Ho!

Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.

What’s my favorite Islamic Holiday... 9/11.

LMAO

The image shows two panels. The first panel has the text "Getting socks for Christmas as a kid" and a drawing of a yellow fish with a displeased expression. The second panel has the text "Getting socks for Christmas as an adult" and a drawing of a red crab with an excited expression.

Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.

Yo mama so ugly people dress up as her on Halloween.

To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.

I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.

Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.

Everyone, if I am not online, that is because I am on a vacation, so yeah.

How did the tree get sick?

It got tinsel-itis.

Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?

A: “Wrap” music.

What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.

What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.

What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?

They shellabrated their mommy.

To start, I'm a big fella in size.

I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.