Holiday jokes
What did Sally get for Easter?..
Nail polish.
There's a white guy, black guy, and Santa Claus. They get a hotel room.
White guy goes in room first and sees money on the table and he picks it up. A ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off your weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Black guy goes in the room, sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Santa Claus goes in the room sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." Santa Claus looks at the ghost and says "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, you touch my dick I'll kick your ass!"
Today is Good Friday, so there will be no meat for us to eat. Instead, we have to do what lesbians do and eat fish.
Why do orphans hate Christmas?
Father Christmas isn’t a thing.
Why is Santa always a b*tch, calling people names like, "Hoe, hoe, hoe?"
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom.
He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store."
But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH!" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19-year-old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?"
Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing."
Johnny says, "Oh. But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"
(Santa winks at you)
What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?
He raped her.
What's yellow and can't swim? My mom on Halloween.
You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.
A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.
Why?
The kid had no legs.
How many wives does Santa have?
Ho Ho Ho!
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.
Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.
What’s my favorite Islamic Holiday... 9/11.
What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?
"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"
To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.
Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.
What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.