Holiday jokes

Today is Good Friday, so there will be no meat for us to eat. Instead, we have to do what lesbians do and eat fish.

Why is Santa always a b*tch, calling people names like, "Hoe, hoe, hoe?"

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom.

He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store."

But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH!" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19-year-old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?"

Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing."

Johnny says, "Oh. But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"

(Santa winks at you)

What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?

He raped her.

What's yellow and can't swim? My mom on Halloween.

You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.

A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.

Why?

The kid had no legs.

How many wives does Santa have?

Ho Ho Ho!

To start, I'm a big fella in size.

I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.

What’s my favorite Islamic Holiday... 9/11.

Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.

Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

Yo mama so ugly people dress up as her on Halloween.

To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.

Everyone, if I am not online, that is because I am on a vacation, so yeah.

I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.

Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.

What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.