History jokes
Q: Why is America bad at chess?
A: Because they already lost two towers.
A Roman guy walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Can I have 5 beers please?"
Penalties. Tap ins. Ghosting. Diving.
Long ago, the four lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Germans attacked. Only Penaldo, master of all four elements, could stop them, but when his country needed him most, he vanished.
Your hairline is so far back dinosaurs are seeing it.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
*slaps* "We ask ze questions!"
Memes
Thanksgiving
Yeah, I keep telling everyone 9/11 jokes, but they all just crash and burn.
Why were parts of the Soviet Union that had more industry than agriculture occupied during WW2?
They couldn't beet the Nazis.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
How do you call a very long terrorist?
9/11.
How does white people's backyard look like? Cotton field!
Hitler was talking about how to fight in WW2 when someone sneezed while Hitler was giving a speech, so Hitler yelled, "WHO SNEEZED ROW 1? DID ANYONE SNEEZE?" They said no, and Hitler shot everybody. Same for row 2 & 3, but in row 4 someone nervous said, "Me, I'm sorry." Then Hitler said, "Bless you."
Why do the Greeks and Romans like food? Because food is good for you.
What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?
They were both killed by Romans.
Ur mom is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. She attracts everything around her, from planets to asteroids to comets. She is the center of the solar system, and the sun is just one of her many satellites. She is so massive that she bends space and time, creating wormholes and black holes. She is the ultimate cosmic phenomenon, and no one can escape her pull.
Ur mom is so old that she witnessed the Big Bang. She was there when the universe was born, and she has seen it all. She knows the secrets of the cosmos, and she has lived through every epoch and era. She has watched stars form and die, galaxies collide and merge, and civilizations rise and fall. She is the oldest living being in existence, and she has more wisdom than anyone can imagine.
Ur mom is so ugly that she scares away aliens. She is the reason why we have never made contact with extraterrestrial life. They have seen her face and they have fled in terror. They have warned their fellow species to avoid Earth at all costs, because it is inhabited by a monstrous creature that defies all logic and beauty. She is the ultimate deterrent for invasion, and she has saved humanity from countless alien invasions.
What’s black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Rosa Parks.
Lol.
Why did the Roman eat pizza? He felt like it.
Nobody:
Titanic: sYnCccCc
Iceberg: yAaaYeEee
People: yAaanOooO
Ocean: fUuudD
What’s the difference between Jesus and a plank of wood?
A plank of wood can take nails to the extremities without screaming.
Did you know that Helen Keller had a twin?
Yeah, Helen ate her in the womb.
The most famous line from Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar is “Et tu, Brute?”
Why can’t he just speak plain English?