History jokes

What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?

They were both killed by Romans.

Why do the Greeks and Romans like food? Because food is good for you.

Ur mom is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. She attracts everything around her, from planets to asteroids to comets. She is the center of the solar system, and the sun is just one of her many satellites. She is so massive that she bends space and time, creating wormholes and black holes. She is the ultimate cosmic phenomenon, and no one can escape her pull.

Ur mom is so old that she witnessed the Big Bang. She was there when the universe was born, and she has seen it all. She knows the secrets of the cosmos, and she has lived through every epoch and era. She has watched stars form and die, galaxies collide and merge, and civilizations rise and fall. She is the oldest living being in existence, and she has more wisdom than anyone can imagine.

Ur mom is so ugly that she scares away aliens. She is the reason why we have never made contact with extraterrestrial life. They have seen her face and they have fled in terror. They have warned their fellow species to avoid Earth at all costs, because it is inhabited by a monstrous creature that defies all logic and beauty. She is the ultimate deterrent for invasion, and she has saved humanity from countless alien invasions.

What’s black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Rosa Parks.

Lol.

Why did the Roman eat pizza? He felt like it.

Nobody:

Titanic: sYnCccCc

Iceberg: yAaaYeEee

People: yAaanOooO

Ocean: fUuudD

People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a plank of wood?

A plank of wood can take nails to the extremities without screaming.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a twin?

Yeah, Helen ate her in the womb.

The most famous line from Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar is “Et tu, Brute?”

Why can’t he just speak plain English?

How do Germans tie their shoes? Answer: In Nazis!

What was Jim Jones' favorite drink?

Killer Kool-Aid.

What do people say to knights when they go to bed? Good knight!

Everyone is a gangster until Helen Keller hits a 3 on you.

From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free.

My name shows it all if you can't see, IDC AT ALL, you can ban me.

But let me tell you one thing, Without God, Isr-el is nothing.

So let me say it again, one last time, Free Free Palestine!

Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale?

Because they have already lost their towers.

I would tell a joke, but I’m sad my dad died in 9/11. He’s the greatest pilot that went down with the Twin Towers.

Do you know how to confuse Helen Keller?

Put her in a room and tell her to find the corner.

Why was the baby Dinosaur an orphan?

His family was blown up by meteors.

(Not an orphan joke).

Why are Americans bad at Clash Royale?

Because they've lost 2 towers.