Him jokes

People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

The orphan had to earn money because he/she didn't have parents to give him/her an allowance.

Why did the skeleton never get cold? Because it went right through him!

I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

Life is better without my dad annoying me (him smacking me, screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more).

God, when terminally ill children beg him to heal them:

God: No, I don’t want to.

About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."

What did one slave owner say to the other slave owner when he couldn’t find his slave?

Don’t worry, I’ll rope him in.

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?

The pizza guy shows up when you call him.

There was a fish looking for a great meal. He looks above him and sees a fly. He thought, "If that fly drops six inches, I would have a meal." Long story short, a pussy gets wet.

I once met a skeleton. I asked if I could tell him a joke. He agreed. I told it to him. He found it quite “humerus”.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

A bowman walked into a throne room, and he bowed to him.

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

When you go to your girlfriend's house but accidentally go into her dad's room and fuck him anyway.

What happened when a hammer punished the nail?

He hit him.

What does the egg do after the pan told him a joke?

He cracked up!

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.