Her jokes

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.

I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

Why did the astronaut return to Earth?

She went on her launch break! 🚀🥪😋

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

I banged a German chick one time. I tried anal and asked her to rate the experience. She kept yelling "9! 9! 9!"

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

Why did the girl rage badly when she got an D- on her essay?

Because the teacher said she missed all her periods.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

A German soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, "What happened?" and the soldier replies, "Hail hit her."

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jack could eat her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c*** because Jill's real name is Randy.

How do you make rape funny? Tickle her while you do it.