Help Jokes

White girl : So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight? Me holding a rock of meth : YES!!!

The closest thing in a depression person's life is a knife and his/her throat

How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes and multiples with the whole classroom.

A depressed man buys a gun for suicide but then thinks "maybe i shouldn't be doing this" and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide. Tbh they really left me hanging there

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

How do you help a constipated person?

U scare the shit out of them

A GUY GOES TO SEE HIS PSYCHIATRIST DRESSED ONLY IN BUBBLE WRAP. WHEN HE GETS THERE HE ASKED THE PSYCH, cAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME? THE PSYCH SAYS NO, I'M SORRY, I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOUR NUTS.

An orphan goes to a doctor. Doctor: Sorry I can't help you Orphan: But why? Doctor: I'm a family doctor

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

imagine getting a call and it says "welcome to Davids orphanage you make them we take them how may we help you.

In my free time, I like to help blind people

Verb, not adjective

*An obese depressed mother is trying to tie a noose but can't reach it so she calls her son for help* *a few minutes later* son: there mother: where did you learn to tie such a good noose? son: dad showed me before he died mother: DAM HIM TO HE- *slips and noose chokes her to death*

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears. "I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing." The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."

The End

So Santa fell down the chimney but it was a lit chimney...his names no longer Santa. It's crisp cringle. Pls send help :).

Depression I got it. A girlfriend dont got it. A life dont got it. Help got it. Freinds dont got it. Family I got it. Best of all depression I got it !!!!!!!!

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals. I hacker, a rapist, a serial killer and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial decides that she want’s to change, but when she see a knife she just can’t help it. He bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist get teleported back to prison