Help Jokes

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"

When I saw a girl sitting on the ground crying, I asked her where her parents were. She cried louder. That’s why I like to volunteer in an orphanage.

Nike isn't helpful for suicidal people. You can't tell them to "Just Do It."

In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.

You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?

Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"

The meme shows a Google search bar with the text 'help i accidentally' and a list of search suggestions such as 'help i accidentally summoned a lemon,' 'help i accidentally built a shelf,' 'help i accidentally built a jeep,' and 'help i accidentally microwaved my brother.' Below that, there is an image of a skeleton sitting at a computer looking confused and a small picture of a boy giving a thumbs up. Above them, text reads 'oh god i have done it again.'

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

like this if you have ever been abused.

How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?

Dentist: Open up, sir.

Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

Dentist: Do you need help??

Me: Yep.

Dentist: ...

Me: ....

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.