Hearing jokes

What is the difference between an orphan and a deaf kid?

They can't hear or speak to their parents that never came back.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?

Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Why doesn’t Helen Keller go to the beach?

Because she can’t hear the sea.

Did you hear the one about the hills?

It was hillarious.

Did you hear about the nun that got kicked out of the convent?

She got caught squatting on the cucumbers in the garden.

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

Want to hear a joke?

Your face.

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.

The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"

Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!

Everyone says Kenny has an easy life.

I disagree. I hear his mom likes complicated sex positions.

There was a little boy named Chris who was addicted to Roblox.

One day, his grandpa fell into a deep coma caused by a head injury.

One day, little Chris went to visit his poor grandpa. He brought his Windows 10 too, but it had no charge in it. After pulling out some wires and placing his into the wall, he started to hear a long beeping sound, but ignored it and continued to play Roblox. Chris's parents came and saw what had happened.

The dad then yelled, "You dumb f***, you killed my father!!!"

Then Chris said "Yeah. He was worth robucks, too."

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of ten dollar bills, so he asks the bartender if it's a jar of tips. The bartender says no, it's for a bet. So the man asks what the bet is and the bartender says, "Well, if you put ten dollars into the jar then knock out the bouncer, next you go outside and remove a rotten tooth out of the rottweiler's mouth, and last you go upstairs and give an orgasm to the fat lady who has never had one. If you can do all those things then you get everything in the jar as well as free drinks for the month." So the guy puts in ten dollars, turns to the guy next to him and knocks him out with one punch. Then the guy continues outside, all you hear for an hour is screaming and whining from the dog. When all is silent, the man walks in and asks, "So where is the fat lady with the tooth?"

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

Did you hear about the person who got hit in the head with a soda can?

Good thing it was a "soft" drink!

How does an American know that his time has come?

He starts hearing Vietnamese.

Did y’all hear about the increasing divorce rate because people are addicted to Fortnite?

They’re just two weeks to quit.

Wanna hear a poop joke?

Nah, they always stink.

— Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

— No.

— That's the spirit!

A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!”

He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”

He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”

“No, this is the rink manager!”

Did you hear about the racist sprinkler?

It kept going: "Spick spick spick Chink chink chink!"