Hearing jokes
Did you hear about the racist sprinkler?
It kept going: "Spick spick spick Chink chink chink!"
One dark stormy night when I was 8 years old, I woke up in the middle of the night busting to pee. Half asleep, I walked down the stairs and toward the bathroom and heard a strange whirring sound that sounded like a ghost. When I opened the door, I felt a strange cool breeze and the light came on automatically, and the ghostly sound stopped. Terrified, I did what I had to and went back to bed.
The next 3 nights, the same thing happened, and finally, I decided I had to tell my mom no matter how hard to believe it sounded. The next night I woke up, I went into my parents' room and woke my mom up and said, "You have to come with me and see this, it's really important." Half asleep, she murmured, "Oh, what is it? Can't it wait until the morning?" I pleaded, "No, you have to come see, our bathroom is haunted by a ghost. When I go in the middle of the night, I can hear a ghost sound. Then when I open the door, I feel the cold as it swoops through me, and the light comes on automatically." She yawned and said, "Oh, so that's who's been peeing in the refrigerator."
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.
"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"
Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."
"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."
"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."
"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."
"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.
"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."
"Okay daddy!"
*long pause*
"Okay daddy! I did it!"
"Great job Sally! What did she say?"
"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."
Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"
Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large.
Did you hear? There is a new toy for boys ages 2-10. It's called Jackson. A tiny white doll, with black Jackson. Get it while supplies last.
When you're in the middle of a test and you hear gun shots.
Did you hear about the TikTok post that offended disabled people? Some didn't reply because the comment section was disabled.
COVID is like fashion...
We started hearing about it in Italy...
Became popular in LA and NYC...
Florida ignored it...
And it was all made in China in the end.
Hear the one about the deaf kid?
He didn't.
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing luggage? Unfortunately, he lost his case.
Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?
Her sister is a real Dess-ember!
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.
If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.
Wanna hear a joke?
No, I'm already looking at one.
I don't understand why people hate it when they hear a dad joke. They are actually pretty funny, and I will show you Y. (shows a picture of the letter Y)
Did you hear about that musical that was sung by some obsidian?
It rocked!
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Person: Sure.
Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.
Person: Dear God...
Wanna hear a joke...
I don't know, I'm too high.
Did you hear about the baseball game between America and Ethiopia?
America - 8
Ethiopia - didn't.
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."