Hearing jokes

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

When you're in the middle of a test and you hear gun shots.

Did you hear about that musical that was sung by some obsidian?

It rocked!

Did you hear about the baseball game between America and Ethiopia?

America - 8

Ethiopia - didn't.

"Me tells dad joke often."

"I want to hear it."

"Me? You wouldn't get it."

Did you hear about the new Oasis restaurant?

Every time you order soup, you got a roll with it.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

Wanna hear a joke...

I don't know, I'm too high.

The pterodactyl went in my bathroom and peed.

When I was in the shower, I couldn't hear it. Why? Because the "p" is silent.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?

Person: Sure.

Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.

Person: Dear God...

Wanna hear a joke? Just look in the mirror, the joke's there!

Did you hear about the orphan that tried to high five a tree? It left her hanging.

Wanna hear a joke?

No, I'm already looking at one.

I don't understand why people hate it when they hear a dad joke. They are actually pretty funny, and I will show you Y. (shows a picture of the letter Y)

I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

"Bill? Bill?" Bill hears faintly in the distance.

Bill Nye snapped back into reality only to find he had peed all over the set.

Did you hear about the guy that went to a nudist colony? The first day was his hardest.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboard?

Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.