You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?
Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...
Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.
Didja hear about that one guy who dipped his balls in paint? My friend said they were “Pretty nuts!”
Did you hear the news? Michael jackson died, because he choked on 7 year old nuts and balls
When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.
Ok, wanna hear another one? Okay. Knock knock. (Who's there?) The chicken from the other joke.
Wanna hear a couple of short jokes and a long joke?
Joke,
Joke,
Jooooooooooooooke.
Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!
Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?
Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?
Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Doctor: *calls 911*
911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?
Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?
911 service: *hangs up*
Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?
Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.
Did you hear about the bad joke? No? It hasn't been made up yet. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Did you hear about the blonde who walked into a bar?.....................it hurt
Do you want to hear a cold joke ? Can't It warmed
When do you know your dad knows you are sneaking out? He hears the loud creaks.
You wanna hear an Indian egg joke? (yeah-)
Never mind. You won't understand.
My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."
Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.
You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.
The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.
“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”
“From my father,” said Johnny.
“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”
Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?
He woke up and found out it was true.
Did you hear about that musical that was sung by some obsidian?
It rocked!
What do you call a dead polar bear?
Anything they can't hear you
