A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"
The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."
So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?
Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?
Mashed potatoes.
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
An orphan goes to a doctor.
Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."
Orphan: "But why?"
Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."
Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.
There is a thin line between death and life!
You won't live to see it.....
The Cardiogram will!!
What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.
Why did the orange go blind? Because he was low on vitamin C.
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?
Cancer.
How do you start a rave?
Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
What do you call a whore with a runny nose?
...Full!
Alzheimer's protesters march chanting. "What do we want? Better treatment... When do we want it? ...Want what?"
