Health jokes
I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.
What do you call a whore with a runny nose?
...Full!
Alzheimer's protesters march chanting. "What do we want? Better treatment... When do we want it? ...Want what?"
I forgot the joke.
You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
So skinny you have to run around in the shower to get wet.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!
Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"
The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."
Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?
$2 billion and high cholesterol.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
An orphan goes to a doctor.
Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."
Orphan: "But why?"
Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."
Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.
Should I buy COVID-19 or wait until COVID-20 comes out?