Health jokes

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

So skinny you have to run around in the shower to get wet.

I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.

How do you help a constipated person?

You scare the shit out of them!

Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?

What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?

AIDS.

An orphan goes to a doctor.

Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

Orphan: "But why?"

Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.

Should I buy COVID-19 or wait until COVID-20 comes out?

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

How do you start a rave?

Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.

What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.

There is a thin line between death and life!

You won't live to see it.....

The Cardiogram will!!

Why did the orange go blind? Because he was low on vitamin C.