Health jokes

Alzheimer's protesters march chanting. "What do we want? Better treatment... When do we want it? ...Want what?"

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

What do you call a whore with a runny nose?

...Full!

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

I forgot the joke.

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

So skinny you have to run around in the shower to get wet.

I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.

How do you help a constipated person?

You scare the shit out of them!

Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?

$2 billion and high cholesterol.

What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?

AIDS.

Should I buy COVID-19 or wait until COVID-20 comes out?

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

An orphan goes to a doctor.

Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

Orphan: "But why?"

Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."