Health Jokes

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe. Me: you should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste

Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression... It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiiii fuck ur mom

I think I gave you the corona virus because I can't stop staring a-choo

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas. "I don't understand it, Doc", she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas". "Thankfully", she added, "they are at least silent when I fart". Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him. The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled. The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

corona be like: eliminating half the population of boomers faster than Thanos *snap*

Jack and jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town game him a frown and his arms were pricked

Have you heard about the new russian std? Rottsmikokov

why did the doctor check out earth? he had a tummy quake

One day a man was fixing a car, an he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like "dude, this can't be healthy." But he said "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

Where is the most dangerous place for a human being to be? In the womb of a woman who wants to abort her unborn baby. 😢

one day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead I called his parents.

A womens knitters group is having a meeting and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies. One woman says "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system". Another knitter says "I'm taking Folic acid to help my baby's brain". Finally one woman says "I'm taking Thalidomide". All the women turn to her and say "Thalidomide ! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?" The woman shrugs her shoulders and says "I don't know how to knit arms". (Told to me by a woman knitter)

Like if you are scared of Covid 19

What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.

Doctor : I can't treat you ORPHAN: WHy! Doctor :I'm a family Doctor

So a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on; Doctor: "so your wife she is paralyzed from the neck down" and as the doctor goes he says all the things the man must do for her like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says " why, WHY ME!" Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the mans ear and says " I'm just fuckin with u she's DEAD!"