Health jokes

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

The daughter milked her dad. It turns out it wasn't milk...

I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.

Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

How do you help a constipated person?

You scare the shit out of them!

What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?

What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?

AIDS.

An orphan goes to a doctor.

Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

Orphan: "But why?"

Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.

There is a thin line between death and life!

You won't live to see it.....

The Cardiogram will!!

Why did the orange go blind? Because he was low on vitamin C.