Health jokes

What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?

$2 billion and high cholesterol.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Alzheimer's protesters march chanting. "What do we want? Better treatment... When do we want it? ...Want what?"

Person: I broke my arm in three places.

Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

Q. What do you give a sick lemon?

A. Lemon-aid.

You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.

Why is Joe Biden afraid of getting COVID?

Because he'd lose his sense of smell.

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

What do you call a person who's got their wisdom tooth removed too late?

Dumb.

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

Book on Michael Jackson: Issued black; returned white.

I ain't shaking anyone's hand, not because of the Coronavirus... I ain't shaking anyone's hand because y'all out of toilet paper!

What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."