Person: I broke my arm in three places.
Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.
You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.
Q. What do you give a sick lemon?
A. Lemon-aid.
Q: What will we give to a sick lemon?
A: Lemon aid.
Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.
I said, "a smile."
They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.
My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.
Going to school is mandatory in this country.
Can you guess my plan?
What do you call a person who's got their wisdom tooth removed too late?
Dumb.
Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
Because atomic bombs are pretty damn bright.
Why is Joe Biden afraid of getting COVID?
Because he'd lose his sense of smell.
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...
"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."
Should I buy COVID-19 or wait until COVID-20 comes out?
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
I ain't shaking anyone's hand, not because of the Coronavirus... I ain't shaking anyone's hand because y'all out of toilet paper!
Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around?" The other cow replied, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a rabbit!"
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."
Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.
My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.
What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?
I don't know.
Neither do I, but it runs in the family.
