Health jokes
Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you'll find a brain back there.
Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.
Doc: What's wrong with that?
Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.
Guys, depression cannot be turned into a joke.
What do you call a Fuhrer who's also a fitness coach?
Adolf Fit-ler.
What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?
Doctor Bones.
Why is a priest different from acne?
Acne waits to come on your face.
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.
What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?
Toothpaste.
He is helping world hunger by feeding cancer.
Why can't depressed people make depression jokes? Because they can't talk if they are dead.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!
ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hey Donut.
When the kid in the wheelchair scares you... you wheelie scared me.
Bobby had 54 dicks (54).
He took 33 pills a month (5433).
Once he ran out of pills, he was left with 45 dicks (543345).
(Flip the calculator once you got the full number. 543345! He's got a lot!
Halloween joke:
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
A blood test.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait...