Health jokes
I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.
Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
Me: Knock, knock.
Other person: Who’s there?
Me: Atch.
Other person: Atch who?
Me: Bless you!
I would've made a joke about Alzheimer's, too bad I forgot about it...
Me: Knock knock.
My Grandma: Who’s there?
Me: Interrupting cow.
My Grandma: Interrupting c-
[Dies from heart attack]
Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you'll find a brain back there.
Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.
Doc: What's wrong with that?
Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.
Guys, depression cannot be turned into a joke.
What do you call a Fuhrer who's also a fitness coach?
Adolf Fit-ler.
What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?
Doctor Bones.
Why is a priest different from acne?
Acne waits to come on your face.
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.
What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?
Toothpaste.
He is helping world hunger by feeding cancer.
Why can't depressed people make depression jokes? Because they can't talk if they are dead.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!