Health jokes
Keep yourself safe!
Bro, I gave a suicidal kid Nikes... he just did it, lol.
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
Why can’t Chinese people play baseball? Because they ate the bat.
If you don’t get it, a Chinese woman ate a bat and she got the coronavirus (I think).
I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.
Guess who likes vegetables now?
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
What do ninjas and depressed people have in common?
They're always cutting.
Why are you so white?
Because you have no lotion on.
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Putting her back in the wheelchair when you're done.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!
Your hairline is the reason why some women have miscarriages.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
I never get off on the wrong foot.
Numb Butt Wheelchair Club: No Feeling, No Problem!
What did the mongol say to his dog?
Down syndrome!
I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.
I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."