Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?
Me: I have depression, what do you think?!
I just got my COVID vaccine, and this lady said, "You have no idea what you put in your body." I said, "Yet you are eating chorizo."
Why did the doctor tell the man to go for a mountain walk?
Alps clear the mind! Haha.
Q: What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A: A red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q: What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump?
A: Erection fraud. (Just a joke.)
How do you get Carrie Underwood to dehydrate fast?
Tell her that all the water supplies contain the COVID vaccine.
What's the difference between COVID and 9/11?
I've never heard of someone dying in a car accident, and the media blaming it on 9/11.
Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.
I said, "a smile."
They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.
My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.
Going to school is mandatory in this country.
Can you guess my plan?
What do you call two Hispanics with Parkinson's disease?
Maracas.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm!
Someone: Stop making jokes about sh!
Me: Oh, sorry man, I'll cut it out, I'll cut it out deep!
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... He died of hearing aids.
Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?
Because their dad never came back with milk.
You have a problem with jokes about dementia? That's funny, I don't remember asking.
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.
She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.
You're so fat that you cause your heart to have panic attacks.
Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?
Because their dad never came back with milk.
