Health jokes

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits until a kid is a teenager to come on its face.

Yo mama so fat, she needs 500,000 calories a day to keep her fueled.

Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "You look run down." The guy says, "No, I've come on my bike!"

Why did the blind man fall down a well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

What do you call a person with an "a" in their autism?

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?

Hearing AIDS.

I drank some dye before, but don't worry, I've only dyed a little inside.

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?

WATCH OUT!!!

Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?

Because it says "B Positive!"

Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?

'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.

Diabetic wives are like Cillit Bang. Squeeze them a bit and bang! The bed is gone.

What happened to the gator when he walked into the hospital?

He became Gatorade.

Two people walk down the road. One says to the other, "Mitch, we passed Weight Watchers 2 minutes ago." He responds, "Jake, the noodle shop is just here. You've been carrying that sh*t on your head for 14 years!"

Son: Mom, I did the test and I have cancer!

Mom: YOU HAVE CANCER?!

Son: Mom, as my zodiac symbol...

Mom:....

Joke: Why did the gym close down?

– It just didn’t work out.

I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.

I want diabetes so I can drink loads of Coke. - Louie Fennell 2018

There was a guy how had a stroke, eh.

He's all right.