Health jokes
Did you hear about the person who got hit in the head with a soda can?
Good thing it was a "soft" drink!
"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."
I have something on my lip and I think I’m taller than you.
"Who am I?"
What is the hardest part of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
Why are retards good at basketball?
'Cause they dribble all the time!
I didn’t know if she was anorexic or not, so I tossed her an onion ring to see if she would eat it or use it as a hula hoop.
What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?
One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!
Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
Hands down, syndromes are bad.
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.
If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?
A 90 year old man takes a Viagra.
Strips off naked, lies down in an alley way. Three chicks walk on by: a blond, a brunette, and a red head.
The red head said, "I'm not letting that go to waste," so she strips off and rides him. When she's finished,
The brunette then strips off naked and rides him. The blond's now worried because she just got her period. The red head sez, "He's dead. Don't let it go to waste," so she strips off naked and rides him. Then he wakes up. He then says, "Wow, two jump starts and a blood transfusion. I'm good to go!"
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits until a kid is a teenager to come on its face.
Yo mama so fat, she needs 500,000 calories a day to keep her fueled.
Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "You look run down." The guy says, "No, I've come on my bike!"
Why did the blind man fall down a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
What do you call a person with an "a" in their autism?
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.