Health jokes
So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.
So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?
WATCH OUT!!!
Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?
Because it says "B Positive!"
Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?
'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.
Diabetic wives are like Cillit Bang. Squeeze them a bit and bang! The bed is gone.
What happened to the gator when he walked into the hospital?
He became Gatorade.
Two people walk down the road. One says to the other, "Mitch, we passed Weight Watchers 2 minutes ago." He responds, "Jake, the noodle shop is just here. You've been carrying that sh*t on your head for 14 years!"
Son: Mom, I did the test and I have cancer!
Mom: YOU HAVE CANCER?!
Son: Mom, as my zodiac symbol...
Mom:....
Joke: Why did the gym close down?
– It just didn’t work out.
I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.
I want diabetes so I can drink loads of Coke. - Louie Fennell 2018
There was a guy how had a stroke, eh.
He's all right.
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."
A woman comes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I have cancer." The doctor checks it out. "It’s all in your head," the doctor says. "Phew," said the woman. "A bunch of tumors, all in your head."
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
"Don't forget you are what you eat," said one person. "Then I should eat a skinny person!" said the other.
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"
I wanted to get brain surgery.
I changed my mind.
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.